Tuesday, March 22, 2016

You have to let me go....

They moved Rhea up to the pre-k room at daycare this past week.  She has been clamoring to get into the garden sprouts room for the past year.  She even has gone as far as eating vegetables.  Her logic - Vegetables come from dirt, dirt is in a garden, I don't eat vegetables that is why I am not a garden sprout. (don't you just love the thinking and reasoning of a 4 year old?)   Justin and I fed into that for the past 6 months and she has tried and eaten numerous vegetables. She gagged and choked many of them down but she was driven to get moved up into the "big kid' room.  We have been prepping her for the switch but I wasn't really preparing myself for this switch.  I think I am having a harder time with it than Rhea is.  We were talking about it on Monday when I said to her "I don't want you to be a Garden Sprout!"  She looked at me very seriously and gave me a hug and said quietly in my ear "You have to let me go"  That has sat with me for a day.   You have to let me go.   I am letting her go little by little each day.  And each night as I lay in bed my heart aches just a little.  I am so proud of who she is becoming but I will never be happy about letting her go, letting her grow. I know she is only 4 and I am being very emotional but the days keep coming and going and she keeps growing. Everyone threw in advice when I was having a baby but no one mentioned this letting go thing.  I am guessing it is too painful. To be blunt it kind of sucks.  I turned around and Rhea is so grown up.  The baby features in her mouth and face have developed into this beautiful little girl.  I watch her engage in her day and often wonder where did all this time go?  I wonder if my parents feel this way about me?

Thursday, November 5, 2015


My Papa died 10 years ago today.  I often let my mind wander to memories of him.  I miss the way he smelled and the way his hands felt.  I miss his mischievous smile.  I miss the feeling of contentment just sitting on his porch with him watching the day go by.  I haven't done that in years, just sit outside and enjoy the day.   At his funeral my brother read a eulogy that I have kept on a printed word file in my desk since.  He read a passage from a poem  by Khalil Gibran called A Tear and a Smile.   The poem reads :

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart 
For the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes 
To flow from my every part turn into laughter. 
I would that my life remain a tear and a smile
A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding
Of life's secrets and hidden things. 
A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and 
To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods.
A tear to unite me with those of broken heart; 
A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.
I would rather that I died in yearning and longing  than that I live Weary and despairing.
I want the hunger for love and beauty to be in the 
Depths of my spirit,for I have seen those who are 
Satisfied the most wretched of people. 
I have heard the sigh of those in yearning and Longing, and it is sweeter than the sweetest melody.
With evening's coming the flower folds her petals 
And sleeps, embracing her longing. 
At morning's approach she opens her lips to meet 
The sun's kiss.
The life of a flower is longing and fulfilment.
A tear and a smile.
The waters of the sea become vapor and rise and come 
Together and area cloud.
And the cloud floats above the hills and valleys 
Until it meets the gentle breeze, then falls weeping 
To the fields and joins with brooks and rivers to Return to the sea, its home.
The life of clouds is a parting and a meeting. 
A tear and a smile.
And so does the spirit become separated from 
The greater spirit to move in the world of matter 
And pass as a cloud over the mountain of sorrow 
And the plains of joy to meet the breeze of death 
And return whence it came.
To the ocean of Love and Beauty----to God.

 I had never heard the poem before that day but I have spent the last 10 years thinking about that poem.  My Papa was an immigrant from Ireland who made a life here in America, marrying my Nana Ellen and raising his daughter Maureen. He was full of pride for his home country (his house was painted green, white, and gold representing the Irish flag).  I truly believe the only thing he loved more than Ireland was his family which included his two only grand children me and my brother Jeremy.  I have never felt as much love as I did from him. He truly thought I hung the moon.  Or at least that is how he made me feel.  I miss that.   And a part of me went with him 10 years ago.  But love never dies and he will remain with me until we meet again.  


Sunday, September 27, 2015

Focus on Health

I was recently sent an iHealth Blood Pressure Monitor and Health Core Wireless Body Composition Scale to test out and review through Tryazon.  I was really impressed with the sleek design of the scale.  It is able to calculate your body composition with weight, %body fat, BMI, Visceral fat rating, DCI (daily calorie intake) and more.  The scale uses a wifi connection and will sync with the iHealth app, the MyFitnessPal app, and the apple phone health app.  I have had two children in the last four years and my weight is really not where I want it to be.  My diabetes health is great but I don't feel good about anything else health wise.  I work full time and take care of two children, a dog, a husband and type 1 diabetes.  I haven't had much time in the last four years to really focus on me.  I have recently started to make healthier improvements in my life(new job, reducing stress, not eating crap-ok I still eat crap but in smaller portions.  Baby steps ) and when I was chosen to try out these products and host a party I was thrilled.  I took it as a sign.  The blood pressure cuff is a neat gadget.  I have really good blood pressure but it has been neat to see trends of what happens when I am first getting up or have just exercised.  It all works through the app on your phone and it maintains the data for you.  Justin (my husband) is able to use the  products too as they allow for multiple users.  It did take us a few days to figure it out and no where in the directions did is clearly state how two users can use the devices (Justin's weight and BP were syncing into all my apps, driving me crazy)  We have finally figured it out.  Hopefully.  iHealth is a cool company and is doing some neat things for the health of individuals like you and me.  They also have a glucometer that works with an app on your phone.  I didn't try that out but I love when companies do things to make Diabetes management easier for people like me.  If anyone is interested in these products check out the website.  If you are interested in purchasing use code TryazonSep for 20% off .  Thank you to iHealth labs for sending me the products to try and thank you to Tryazon for coordinating everything.   #tryazon #ihealth

Tuesday, August 4, 2015


How is it August 4th already?  Didn't the summer just get started?  I have tried to fill our weekends with things to do, spending time with family and creating memories.  Rhea said to me this week "when are we just going to stay home?"  I was taken aback at first thinking to myself we are always home during the week.  But I realized we are not really home during the week. We rush out in the morning and rush through the nightly routine of dinner, baths, books, and bed.  So for the rest of the summer I am just going to take the days as they come and let the kids be home to chill out a bit.  Maybe skip a bath during the week, pending how clean they are. (side note- my kids get filthy at daycare. covered in paint, food, dirt on a daily basis) I know they have enjoyed camping and cookouts but I think this weekend we will just let them enjoy their toys, their yard.  And create some good memories in our home.  Sometimes I spend all this time and effort to make things good for them that I forget that spending time with Mom and Dad is good enough.  I need to remember that more.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Fast Cars

Rhea has really come into her own the past few months.  She is slowly transforming into this little lady.  I won't go into all that crap of how quickly it goes.  You all know that already.   She is becoming her own person and it is really neat to see it unfold.  What amazes me is how much she picks up and how much of it she is not picking up from me.  Examples of what she has said recently below:

Example #1
Rhea - "Mom, boys are so booooooooooooring.  When is Kellen coming over?"

Example #2
Rhea - "Mom, I like my hair brushed the opposite of how I like my cars"
Me - "I don't understand the analogy"
Rhea - "Mom, I like my cars to go fast with no traffic but I like you to brush my hair slow okay?"
Me-" Who are you?"

Example #3
Rhea - "What is Jack's sisters name?"
Me - " Jack doesn't have a sister"
Rhea -"Then who was with him today?"
Me- "Stephanie, his mom"
Rhea- "I thought she was his sister"

Example #4
Rhea -"Your diabetes is on the floor"
Me -"What?"
Rhea- "Your diabetes is all over the house"
Me-" do you mean my test strips?'
Rhea-"no your diabetes"

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

One of those nights.......

Ever have one of those nights?  A night when nothing really goes wrong but nothing really has gone right.  It is just like most other nights.  We get home from our day at 6 and rush to make dinner.  The kids have had it and are in the normal meltdown stage until they stuff their face with some food.  Only you cannot get the food made because you have two screaming kids clinging to your legs.  And when you finally sit down to eat your children refuse to eat the food you made for them for a multitude of reasons ( "I no longer like noodles" "They look funny" " My belly hurts" or Maggie's new favorite- Give it to Duke its funny) And then it is a rush to clean up and a rush to make lunches for tomorrow.  Justin and I tag team the bath.  He starts them off and I clean them up because Daddy doesn't know how to shampoo hair.  Then you get them settled into their PJs and for about twenty minutes all is quiet.  Rhea reads a book and Maggie has a bottle.  And then they are off to bed and you are left to clean up the mess they made between 6 and 9 PM.  You wonder how it is possible you own this much stuff.  Your husband wonders if a tornado came through while he was on his ipad (He lovingly calls me the Shanado because I leave a path of destruction where ever I go and now I have two other forces of nature competing with me)  And as 9:15 rolls around and you take the dog out for one final time you wonder when it will get easier?  When will I miss this as most older folks will insist you will?  Do my parents really long for the chaos?  Will I long for the chaos when it is no longer here?  Is it all worth it?  I am hoping in a few years when we look back we will remember the giggles, the smiles, and the jokes.  We will remember the girls becoming their own person.  We will remember the hugs and long for what if feels like to have a snoring baby laying on your chest.  We will hold onto the good and remember the bedtime stories and the funny way the girls say words they are just learning (Like the Mingos in my yard aka Flamingos).   And leave the cranky nights and sour days in a memory you can and will never recall.  And I will ponder this until I nod off at 10 setting my alarm to do this all over again.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Frozen Poop

Rhea reminds me so much of Justin.  Not only does she look just like him, she also has his sense of humor and really goes by beat of her own drum.   Typically she finds him really funny and laughs at all his jokes.  She has mastered the art of putting her bum on your leg or face and "ripping" a fart in your face.   This causes both her and her daddy to laugh and laugh.  Me not so much.  But tonight Justin crossed the line with his jokes and she was not happy

Justin :  How does Elsa take a poop?
Rhea: (look of disdain) Elsa doesn't POOP DAD!!
Justin: of course she does.  She takes Iciclshit- get it?  Icicle poop?  You should tell that joke at school!!!
Rhea :  I would never tell that joke at school Daddy.  It is not funny.  It is not nice to talk about Elsa that way.
Justin : Come on, it's funny!  Elsa pooping is funny.
Rhea- (silence with a death stare) No. It. Is. Not.

Moral of this story all fun and games with Rhea until someone messes with Elsa.

I am wondering when the Frozen phase of our life is going to end.  I am guessing not soon enough.

Saturday, February 7, 2015

I'm a big girl now

You are big enough to use the potty.  You have outgrown your binkie.  You no longer need pull ups or diapers.  You no longer sleep in a crib.  You can dress yourself.  Your room is slowly becoming "your" room and less like the nursery I put together for you.  Your vocabulary has grown and what you say makes sense now.  You can brush your own teeth and hair.  You have likes and dislikes that have nothing to do with me.  You only drink "big girl water" now which is basically water out of a water bottle.  (Justin refers to it as big girl water now too)  You truly believe you will be a princess when you grow up.  You have friends at school that I don't even know about.  You can put together puzzles on your own.  You remind me everyday that "I'm a big girl now".  And as much as it pains me to admit it, you are.  Everyday you are slowly moving away from me and coming into your own. You don't depend on my the way your younger sister does. You say things to be like remember when I was a baby or tell me what I was like when I was a baby.  And I am caught off guard thinking to myself isn't she still a baby.  But you are not. You are a big girl now.    There is that old saying that kids grow up so fast.  And of course it is true.  Justin always tells me we didn't have kids to slow life down.  And I know he is right but what I wouldn't give to just freeze her as she now.  But I cannot.  So I have to let her become the big girl she wants to be.   I am hoping who she really is comes with a little less drama (" Maggie is looking at me, make her stop"  " You yelled at me because I hit Duke"  "I'm going to my room!!!!!!!!!" door slam) but I am still loving every ( well not every) minute of watching her grow